It was a difficult week of goodbyes, mainly because they were never final. I ate dinner with the owner of the company on Monday and said goodbye then, but saw him two more times after that. I said goodbye to Maxwell on Thursday but saw him two more times too. I couldn't feel the visceral impact of the prospect of never seeing these people again for the rest of my life. Not the way I did leaving China. Even apart from the dulling effect of running into them again and again, I wasn't much moved anyway. When I left Chicago to move to Boston two years ago, by contrast, I sobbed when I said goodbye. Too many goodbyes have left me desensitized since. I wish I knew better how to feel. I wish I knew what to say. I wish I knew what this meant. Why should I bond so much with a random, great person like Maxwell and then never get to see him again? It doesn't seem fair. What was the purpose? Am I wrong to value experience so much that I'm willing to leave a beloved place and people to seek it somewhere new? Was it right to leave China? Was it right to go to China in the first place? What I want to experience now is community and establishment. I want to pass quickly and happily through this next week of visiting my brother, the week following marrying Allison, and the week after finding a place in Portland and a job, and then become settled firmly. I want to stay in Portland long enough that it nearly kills me to leave. For now all I can do is report that Boston is behind me.
It was a difficult week of goodbyes, mainly because they were never final. I ate dinner with the owner of the company on Monday and said goodbye then, but saw him two more times after that. I said goodbye to Maxwell on Thursday but saw him two more times too. I couldn't feel the visceral impact of the prospect of never seeing these people again for the rest of my life. Not the way I did leaving China. Even apart from the dulling effect of running into them again and again, I wasn't much moved anyway. When I left Chicago to move to Boston two years ago, by contrast, I sobbed when I said goodbye. Too many goodbyes have left me desensitized since. I wish I knew better how to feel. I wish I knew what to say. I wish I knew what this meant. Why should I bond so much with a random, great person like Maxwell and then never get to see him again? It doesn't seem fair. What was the purpose? Am I wrong to value experience so much that I'm willing to leave a beloved place and people to seek it somewhere new? Was it right to leave China? Was it right to go to China in the first place? What I want to experience now is community and establishment. I want to pass quickly and happily through this next week of visiting my brother, the week following marrying Allison, and the week after finding a place in Portland and a job, and then become settled firmly. I want to stay in Portland long enough that it nearly kills me to leave. For now all I can do is report that Boston is behind me.
3 comments:
Was it right to meet people?
Was it right to be born at the first place?
Was it right to raise from non-existence to breathe in the world of sufferring?
Was it right, is it right, shall it be right, to be alive?
Life in itself is a journey. What goes around comes around. So just move forward as you please. Don't worry, for you're always in someone's mind, like mine.
I don't know since when I became sensitive about people leaving around me. They are haunting me all the time.
Leaving is the saddest thing.
God bless you,Joe.
We are waiting for your wedding pictures and will pray here for you.
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